foreverbeme’s blog

Dear January,

It’s coming to the end. I felt like it was just yesterday that I celebrate Eid’adha with family and friends. Tensionnya time is really catching up and I am running out of time for so many things this year.

Busy with classes and student’s issues, lessons plan, lectures,exams, meetings, training. Guess, I have to bear with this situation for another few months before I say goodbye and struggle for my LLM. Why is it difficult for me to make decision where should i go for Commercial law? Hmm.. my time is running out.

A lot of my friends were having their birthdays this month. So kawan2, happy birthday and wish you happiness in life and hereafter! Semoga panjang umur dan dimurahkan rezeki. Bila gik tek Enon? Aku tok gik jauh perjalanan..:)

There were some unforgettable events happened this month and I will cherish it to the end. And to all my Muslims friends, Happy New Year 1428 Hijrah!! Semoga Allah S.W.T. memberkati hidup kita dan semoga tahun ini lebih bermakna bagi kita..

Cheers!

p.s: To someone in Selly Oak, thank u so much!

It’s always difficult to say goodbye.Been trying to do that for so many years and finally here I am with a new life and a new heart. Its been ages since the last time I wrote my blog. So many things happened throughout 2006 but somehow I didnt managed to even find a time to actually sit down and write something. Its may be too late for me to say goodbye to 2006 but there are certain things thats still unsettled.

It was a tough year though. I remembered early of the year I was way too busy with meetings, tenders, paperworks, negotiations etc. I was struggling to even breathe in the office .Been travelling here and there but I couldnt find and feel what I wanted to.

July …my life has changed a lot and now I spend most of time with my students. Trying to fix and clear their mind while I am suffering migraine and severe head damage:)

But at the end of the day, I am happy. For the past years I am looking for happiness and I finally found it in a rare place that I never think of. It is true that sometimes the thing that you’ve been looking for is just right infront of your eyes. And when you finally be able to see that, it is such a wonderful feeling.

Towards the end of last year, I’ve met wonderful people that I havent seen for ages. Its like going back to school again. But I’ve learnt that people do change and things aint going to be the same though.

This first month has been great to me. I managed to get what I’ve been dreaming of. Pursuing my LLM this year under a scholarship. Guess this is one of the best thing that ever happened in my life. Looking forward to September but there are so many things that I need to settle prior to that. I’ll be saying goodbye to M’sia for a year or two.

Well, will be blogging again later. Got to rush for the Business Law class. someone sent me this quote last nite. "In order for two halves to be whole, each half must be whole on its own". Hmm…. what’s got to do with me?

p/s: looking forward to see my long time buddies end of the month.

For those who understand, Aziah.. this is for u too

What You’re Made of

Just like I predicted
We’re at the point of no return
We can’t go backwards,
and all corners have been turned
I can’t control it if I sink or if I swim
‘Cause I chose the waters that I’m in

And it makes no difference,
Who is right or wrong
I deserve much more than this
‘Cause there’s only one thing I want

If it’s not what you’re made of,
You’re not what I’m looking for
You were willing, but unable, to give me anymore
There’s no way
You’re changing
‘Cause some things will just never be mine
You’re not in love this time, but it’s alright.

I hear you talking,
but your words don’t mean a thing
I doubt you ever,
put your heart in anything
It’s not much to ask for
To get back what I put in
But I chose the waters that I’m in

And it makes no difference
who is right or wrong
I deserve much more than this
‘Cause there’s only one thing I wantWhat’s your definition of the one
What do you really want him to become
No matter what I sacrifice it’s still never enough

Just like I predicted
I will sink before I swim
‘Cause these are the waters that I’m in

This is something that i would want to listen these days..back in 1996.Miss those days

COME AS YOU ARE- WILD ORCHIDS

Shelter my feelings, stand by my side
You need no alibi
Show your emotions, give me a sign
Let me know that you're mine

Be my lover, be my best friend
Oh baby, save me when I fade
And I will always love you
I promise I'll be true to you
If you...
Come as you are
Don't change a thing
Here is my heart
Just walk right in

Come as you are
Don't tell me lies
And I'll be yours
'Till do us part

There is a heaven
It's in your eyes
Where I have no disguise

Please don't mislead me
Rescue my pride
Show me you're really mine

I want you for me, no questions asked
Don't need to know 'bout your past
'Cause I will always love you
I promise I'll be true, to you
If you...
Come as you are
Don't change a thing
Here is my heart
Just walk right in

Come as you are
Don't tell me lies
And I'll be yours
'Till do us part

Heartbreak, new jobs, convocation, sadness, happiness,loosing friend and making new friends all in one month. The month of August or bulan merdeka.

It has been a while. Hmm, I guess its been more than a month since my last update in this blog. One thing for sure, im way too lazy to write things that had happened to me for the past month. August has been a "marathon" in my life. And i can say, the unforgettable month in this year.

Last month I saw myself having really a hard time to focus into things that I should put in priority over other things.My first day in August start of with a tragedy or should i say an incident that i would not forget for the rest of my life. Only Allah knows what’s exactly happening in that particular night. Loosing the person that u love is aint easy, especially when u’ve just started a new life, a new  beginning and when u already learn how to let go of the past. I had major problems in letting go of my "past". I bet my two buddies would know about this (Aziah N Ida, thank u guys for always stick with me despite the fact that Im way too stubborn sometimes:)

I guess Allah tried to prove something to me and maybe Allah tried me in order for me to realise that there is someone out there who loved me for me. It wasnt meant to be or to happen. But ive learnt a lot from it. I met few wonderful people that i could never imagine before.

August was also the month where I started my new job in the banking industry. Its really tough that i couldnt cope with it. Its not the pressure or working late hours. I couldnt cope and learn as fast as they required for me to come up with a financial analysis. Well,its aint easy especially for those who doesnt like numbers and calculation like me..:) But i survived in the sense that i managed to write a few already.

August was also the convocation  month. Geez, i guess ive waited so long that i didnt feel that much "thrill" on that day. Plus, with the tudung problems. I dont want to talk about it. I hate it. But i know my parent was so happy on that particular day. I was happy to see all my buddies after almost a year leaving uni days. I miss them so much. It feels nice to be  back in campus. Its like seeing urself back in your first day in the campus.All those memories would always remain in my heart.

August was also the month that ive got an offer to be corporate legal secretariat executive in one of the semigovt. bodies here in Kuching. Well, i wish i had the offer earlier when Im still teaching.At least Im not in the dillema at the moment whether to accept and to resign or to reject the offer. But someone told me i should see it as a package and I bet its true. Money cant buy job satisfaction. So who cares whether the pay is lesser as long as Im happy. Ive noticed and people around me noticed that Im not that happy with my current job compared to teaching last time(especially mom and dad)

Well I dont know how to decide. Im still thinking but perhaps what that someone said is true. I have already the answer for it. its just that im too scared to hurt other people’s heart. those who have trusted u and put high hopes towards you. Maybe Im scared. But I really2 looking forward to the new job. It would be interesting/ LA and  becoming Company Secretary at the same time. Hmm..new things to learn but I can see myself somewhere in 5 years time. I believe i can get through this.

Im sooo thankful that at least all these thing would make me busy so i wouldnt think much of those unhappy things that happened. Ramadhan is coming soon. Cant wait to be in Ramadhan again.. I find peace in Ramadhan and lot of blessings in it.

I dont know when im going to update my blog again. After Raya maybe.. hehehehe:)

Fuhhh.. finally i managed to pack all my things before i left. This is my last day here in the college. Im feeling a bit down due to the fact that i need to leave all my good friends here but im looking forward to my new job soon:)

Another few days to rest before i start a new chapter in my life- the banking life. I just hope i will survive in this line and one day i shall come back and teach with LLM or even PHD.. Hmm, what will happen there? But i presumed that there would be another major change in my life routine. I would take this challenge and strive more..

for the time being, im blessed to know so many wonderful people here in the college.. people who’s been supporting me along the way.I thank Allah for that, for everything, for each of His Blessings..

This might be the final blog that i wrote here as a lecturer. There are so many things happened lately, too much that i need to catch up. Personally, i felt i become a new person altogether. The way i perceive things were different back then when i was still studying. Im trying to see life in every different way. Oen thing for sure, ive learned that its not easy to earn money. It requires hard work, times and a whole lot of effort. Now i understand that my dad had been working soo hard to raise me and my brother. Every single cent is very valuable and must be appreciated. I am glad that im now supporting 80% of the household need, pay all the bills, helping my dad so that mom can save more money. I know mom and dad wanted to go for Hajj again one day.

It has been a while since the last time i updated my blog. I wanted to keep on updating my blog but lately I am way too busy finishing and clearing all my works  before im going off to my new working place on 1st August,2005.

The experience that i gained here in the education line somehow made a tremendous change in my life, personally. I realised the fact that there were things that i didnt know about myself till the day i started teaching here. Things that i thought i could never do before.The experience with the students and the other lecturers would always be one of the most precious experience that i could never exchange with other things. Without the support of the other lecturers and my immediate superior, i dont think im able to cope with the work here. Being working day and night has been my routine since i came here. Despite all the pain and hardship that i went through, at the end of the day it make me smile when i come to think about my students. The students are wonderful (although some were not:) but i had a wonderful times with them though few times i exploded in the class. But then it was for their own good. I began to love my students and the work im doing now.

Soon, I’ll be having another tremendous change in my life. 360′c. Despite the fact, i have zero knowledge on banking but i believe we can always learn new things, gained new experiences. Same thing here when i was asked to teach business ethics, a subject that im not familiar with at all, i was so pissed and i am not confident at all to teach those part time students but i made it.And it make me proud to see all of them had passed my paper.Its been a hard work for the last semester but i managed to get through all this.

i am lucky to have wonderful people around me who’s been supporting me from day 1 till now. It may be a short term experience but i’ve learned so many things and i made more new friends and this is a blessing to me.

There were few bad or bitter experiences that ive been going through here as well but I am ready to let it go but certainly it would be moments that i wont forget for the rest of my life. One day i would come back and teach with more new experiences that i would want to share with my students. For now, i must move on and live a new life. But all the memories here in this college would always be treasured.

Its about time to move on and learn more things..

Yuhoo!! pay day ..kaya kejap jap kakya kayap balit.hmm after tolak all hutang hutang berapa ajak yang tinggal untuk survive for the entire month.konvo tinggal sebulan lebih gik, duit sik cukup2. harap2 cukuplah duit pada masa ya..

well, need to spend some money on the car.. for the interior at least. im going to take care of "my baby".well, so many plans for this month. Rainforest, gi nikah my cousins in Bau in the coming weekend, Ngiling Bidai (Penutup Gawai), Induction course for law programmes, University of London and USQ Programmes started also in July, exam and assignment marking for July 2005, fuh!! the list goes on and on.. kepak ohh…

well.. got to go to work now! to be continued soon ..:) hope so

I try to live like other normal people would do. I try to take life easy instead of taking it so hard like last time. I try to breath in and out, try to face each day with a smile instead of tears and pain, hoping that at one time i can wake up from sleep and not having that "feelings" anymore. I try not to think that much about what will happen next time or in the future and just let things flow by itself. Someone told me that dont think about the future but think about what you wanna do tommorrow. what’s your plan for the next day. In other words, dont think that much, he told me.

I wanted to believe in everysingle things that he said but why im still loosing my mind? Why im still loosing part of myself? why im still loosing him?hmm.. i still couldnt find the answer till this very moment.On my way back home from work just now, i was thinking all the way back.Got "the song" on the radio-Breathe Again. I dont know why whenever i listened to that particular song, he’ll be back in my mind. But things are different tonight. Im way too tired. Was it time to let go? Then i realised that im hurting so much inside but i managed to make it invisible in other people’s eyes and especially him. The thing is i cannot lie to myself. Im way too tired of surpressing my feelings, the hurt, the pain and my dissapointment. Sometimes i felt that this is way too much for me to take:(

Dont know what makes me hold on to this one belief. Dont know why im still here letting days passing me by without trying to actually make things better. I guess ive been trying too hard, but still not good enough.Ive been trying to read all the signs, trying to get the message but i cant see it. I try to pretend nothing is happening, i try to deny the feelings but i cant. i try to move on like i never knew him but i cant. God knows how hard i tried till there was one particular time, i cried the whole night knowing the fact that nothing changed inside of me. I pray all the time that this feeling will vanish and the pain will recede, but its not happening.

im hurting so much inside. I admitted that fact today. I cant hide it anymore. Im emotionally tired and exhausted. if only I could pack my things and leave, hoping that this would somehow help me, then i will choose to leave. A good friend of mine was saying, running away from problems wont solve anything.Face it, confront the problem and thats how you handle problems. Not by running away from it.Try to deal with it. If only others can see what’s happening back then, they would believe me..

Something is wrong with me. Something is incomplete, which remind me of that particular song. Dont feel like writing about my class and my work today and my interview yesterday. it was a tough one, that’s all i can say. Hmm what good is a heart if you scared to choose, but im  a human being, i got feelings that i wouldnt lie.

"Incomplete"

Empty spaces fill me up with holes
Distant faces with no place left to go
Without you within me I can’t find no rest
Where I’m going is anybody’s guess

I’ve tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

Voices tell me I should carry on
But I am swimming in an ocean all alone
Baby, my baby
It’s written on your face
You still wonder if we made a big mistake

I’ve tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

I don’t mean to drag it on, but I can’t seem to let you go
I don’t wanna make you face this world alone
I wanna let you go (alone)

I’ve tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

Incomplete

Hmm..ari tok mencatat sejarah juaklah coz amik sick leave for the first time ever sejak keja tok. i guess im too exhausted, that’s y. and my bp is getting high.pressure i supposed. my birthday yesterday was the quiet one i supposed, excpet for the fact i managed to grab a drink with my two buddy after work. I felt sick but now much better than this morning..

There are so many things in my mind.Eversince yesterday im thinking that i need to reach out to someone but then it was out of reach. i felt that deep down im feeling something, but i try not to think about it. i know its there but i try to ignore it. I wish i could just pack my things and leave but i cant. I know i cant.One thing that i guess would somehow stick with me.. and it wont leave. Dunno where is this heading to and i know im on way..

im not pretty happy about my current job so i hope i can get through the monday’s interview. But if i could not make it, then i guess i have to bear for another few months until my convocation. so i must earn money and i could not afford to be unemployed now.

dunno what else to write.. it took me some time to figure out what to write. Well rite now im listerning to another song that i want to include for my blog today. You were there  by my fav’s male artists and composer Babyface. This song is a theme song in one movie , i guess Simon birch (correct me if im wrong)

Time passes, the world changes
But I’m still the same ole’ kid
And your jokes still bring me laughter
As if you still were here
And it hurts
When I smile
’cause my heart still remembers
When you were around

’cause you were there
When no one was
Just when I thought nobody cared
You showed me love
’cause you were my friend
You always told me
And I am still here
Because you were there

So precious, small treasures
A time when truth was innocent
True friendship, was all we were after
A place where kids could still be kids
And it hurts
But I’m glad
’cause at least I was blessed
To have you as my friend

You’re my best friend
There are no accidents
God has a plan for everyone
And he brought you in my life
To show me what a good friendship was

p/s: to my buddies … love you guys!!